


Hey, Pudding! (The Manipulation Remix)

by whenyoudesertme (phrenk)



Category: Arashi (Band), Japanese Actor RPF, Johnny's Entertainment, Kanjani8 (Band)
Genre: M/M, Remix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-12
Updated: 2011-09-12
Packaged: 2017-10-24 02:24:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/257858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phrenk/pseuds/whenyoudesertme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yoko has big plans for his 30th birthday.  Subaru has a better idea and knows just the people to help plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hey, Pudding! (The Manipulation Remix)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hey, Pudding!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/209141) by [elfiepike](https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfiepike/pseuds/elfiepike). 



> Yoko hates [cucumbers](http://ttthhbbbtt.livejournal.com/7416.html) and Ohno loves [tequila](http://sumoboy.livejournal.com/34026.html). Thanks to miscetera for the beta job, greatfountain for helping catch some Subaru issues, and topazera for allowing me to whine all over her frequently. ♥ Originally posted [here](http://jentfic-remix.livejournal.com/74167.html), minus the wee extra. Cross-posted [here](http://whenyoudesertme.livejournal.com/22653.html).

Arashi's dressing room door was closed but Subaru could hear voices, plus Aiba's distinctive laugh. He pushed the door open without knocking.

"Arashi-san!" he half-shouted, then hunched into himself.

"Subaru~" Nino singsonged, not looking up from his DS. Aiba and Sho were tucked together on one couch, a magazine open between them, while Jun sat in a comfortable-looking chair, fancy headphones in place and what looked to be a set-list on his lap. He pushed off his headphones, smiling at Subaru, and the nervous tension in Subaru's chest eased. There was no reason to be nervous around these five idiots, even if he was in their space.

Craning his neck, Subaru couldn't find the fifth member, unless... "Nino-chan, are you sitting on Ohno-kun?"

Nino shrugged. "He's sleeping." The blanket-covered lump on Nino's couch let out a tiny snore. Nino shifted gently on what were probably Ohno's thighs.

"I have come," Subaru started, then stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. He wanted to lock the door behind him, too, but while Eito would have understood the drama and scheming to come from that simple movement, Arashi would probably just be confused, if not worried. "... With a plan."

"A plan?" Aiba said, flipping the magazine closed.

"A plan for Yoko's birthday."

"Oh, you mean his party?" Sho flipped open his phone and quoted, "'My place, my day, bring yourself. Come ready for at least thirty boobs in sparkly pasties.' Which I gather means strippers."

"Yeah, give that plan a couple days to fizzle out," Subaru said, shaking his head. "Yoko is not-so-secretly convinced that his thirtieth birthday is the first step toward dying alone."

"Strippers don't exactly help with that feeling," Jun said, fingers twitching toward his set-list.

"Exactly. He'll end up canceling. Which is where I-- _we_ come in."

Nino tucked his DS into the bag resting on Ohno's back. "Get to the point."

"Yoko has a crush. On Ohno-kun."

Aiba leaned forward, excited. "Really? Since when?"

"He's been fishy since Room Zero, probably living in fear I'd do something just like this."

"And so?" Nino said, reaching a hand up to pat the vague lump of Ohno's head under the blanket.

"It's Yoko's thirtieth birthday. He needs the best present."

"Leader's not an object to be given," Jun said, eyebrows drawing together.

"Don't be possessive, Jun-kun," Nino said, smiling. "I don't think there'd be actual ownership involved."

"Still, we don't have any idea if Yoko's feelings are returned," Sho said.

"He'll end up drinking alone. All I'm saying is, let's get Ohno-kun over there somehow, on Yoko's birthday, and see what happens."

"That is an awfully vague plan," Aiba said disapprovingly.

"I can't even call that a plan," Nino said, nodding at Aiba.

"That's what I'm here for, to plot. Everyone! I'll let you contribute right now!"

"Let us?" Nino said, scrunching his face in mock confusion. Even Aiba looked dubious.

There was a pause, then Jun and Sho looked at each other.

"I want no part of this," Jun said first, then Sho put in, "I have to go anyway, I have to... go."

"I'll walk you there, Sho-kun," Jun said, grinning. They stood and walked to the door as Subaru gaped.

"You didn't even try to come up with an excuse! I see you twice a year and you're weaseling out, with no excuse at all!"

"Come visit more often, Subaru-kun," Sho said kindly. The door clicked shut behind them. This time, Subaru locked it, then stalked over to sit by Aiba, ignoring Nino's welcoming wave over to sit on part of Ohno.

Aiba stood, and Subaru looked up in betrayal.

"I'm not leaving!" Aiba said quickly. "I just think maybe I shouldn't plot against Yoko, for _friendship_ reasons."

"We're all friends here," Nino scoffed.

"Besides, it's FOR Yoko, not against him. And you've plotted against him loads of times anyway," Subaru said, squinting up at Aiba.

"Then Leader. I definitely haven't plotted against Leader!"

"Now that the adults have left, let's find out if Leader likes Yoko," Nino said, and a viciously aimed finger started down toward Ohno.

"I do," came a mumbling voice from under the blanket.

"I thought you might be awake," Nino said smugly.

"I'm not," Ohno said, peeking his head out. "Get off, I'm going to sleep in Kanjani8's room."

"It would ruin everything if you hooked up with Yoko early," Subaru said, close to tossing his hands in the air at the idea.

"I won't." Ohno wriggled out from under Nino, ignoring the complaints.

Subaru stared at him, not used to people who wouldn't follow that up with more words. "Because?"

"I already tried to kiss him."

"And he didn't kiss back?" Aiba said, eyes shifting to glare at Subaru. Nino glared along with him.

"I didn't even get to his mouth," Ohno said, then scrubbed a hand over his face. "You guys are noisy." He tugged futilely at the door a couple times before unlocking it and getting it open. He shuffled sleepily away, not bothering to say goodbye.

The door snicked quietly shut behind him.

"You said Yoko liked Leader," Aiba said accusingly. Nino leaned back, looking like he was no longer prepared to help plot.

"He _does_ ," Subaru said, prepared to babble in his defense. "I'm sure of it. You know him, whenever Ohno-kun made a move, Yoko probably had a bug up his butt about something. Something really stupid, that he couldn't explain. And now he's kicking himself for it, but he can't tell Ohno-kun, but if he doesn't tell Ohno-kun then there will never be kissing, so there is no way out and he's going to die in a park, stoned by small, derisive boys." He mimed a throwing motion, making an angry face.

"Aren't there usually a few more steps before he gets stoned?" Aiba said, tilting his head.

"You get the idea. Yoko likes him, I swear--" Subaru cut himself off, pondering a sudden thought.

Nino came over and squeezed in between Subaru and Aiba, folding his legs up under himself.

Subaru smacked his hands together decisively. "His hatred of cucumbers has really amped up lately, and I've heard him mutter 'cucumber' and 'Oh-chan' in the same sentence more than once. I would bet my favorite jacket that Yoko's bento that day had cucumbers, and he ate a slice accidentally."

"No one wants that ratty jacket," Nino said automatically, but Subaru could tell he was thinking about it.

"And then Ohno-kun tried to kiss him, but Yoko thought he had cucumber breath, and pulled away," Subaru finished, suddenly sure this was what had happened.

"Cucumber breath? Cucumbers don't give you bad breath..." Aiba said, scratching his head.

"Yeah, not like mushrooms," Subaru agreed. He could feel them both staring at him but ignored them, slouching further into the couch.

Aiba dug a notebook out of his bag and flipped it open, clearly on board if there were feelings on both sides. "Let's plan this, then. Step one, come up with a pretext for sending Leader over to Yokocho's."

"It's his birthday, we'll send Leader with a present," Nino said, bending over to rest his head in Subaru's lap. Aiba drew Nino's legs over his lap and settled the notebook back down on top of them, scribbling away intently. Subaru poked lightly at Nino's hair, then grabbed a handful of his t-shirt, just to say hello.

"How will we get Leader to stay at Yoko's? Will Yoko invite him in?"

"Yoko likes tequila, right?" Nino said, bopping his head on Subaru's thigh but not displacing Subaru's hand.

"Ah!" Aiba exclaimed, grinning at Nino. "If we give Yoko a bottle of his favorite tequila?"

"Then he'd have it out, having himself a pity party," Subaru continued, nodding.

"And then Leader would see it, and get lured into Yoko's apartment," Nino said, eyes alight with plotting.

"And then they'd do tequila shots," Aiba finished. "So romantic."

Nino pushed one of his feet up into Aiba's face. "Romantic is not the word."

"It would lead to poor choices," Subaru said, pushing down with his hand to give Nino some leverage. "Which is exactly what we want."

"I don't see what would be poor about it," Aiba said, smacking away Nino's persistent foot. "I'm sticking with romantic."

"Aiba-chan, the plan," Nino said, leaving off trying to stick his big toe up Aiba's nose.

"One, send Leader over with a present. Two, give Yoko--wait, that needs to be one. Should I give him--"

Nino interrupted. "No, he'd be suspicious if it's from one of us. It'll have to be from Subaru."

"Fine," Subaru said, trying not to think of the cost. Nino smirked up at him, unrepentant.

"Three, they get drunk and make romantic choices." Aiba's notebook pressed down hard on Nino's legs as he said this part, discouraging disagreement.

"It will need to be more...scheming. His paranoia makes him hard to prank," Subaru said, stroking the stubble on his chin as he thought.

"I don't see how this is a prank--" Aiba started, but Nino cut him off again.

"We can use his paranoia against him."

"I like it," Subaru said, widening his eyes with approval. "Expand."

"If we sent Leader over there all prettied up, Yoko would suspect something. But if we send Leader over there all fishing-sandal-ed and trucker-capped, with an extremely flashy present in tow, he'd suspect the _present_."

Aiba cackled. "And we can tell Leader what's inside is fragile, remind him to handle it very carefully. And if he says Nino sent him--"

"Yoko's head will explode," Subaru finished. "YES."

"He wouldn't kick Leader out, too, would he?" Nino said, brow crinkling. "He can be thorough in his paranoia."

"Who could say no to Leader?" Aiba said, disbelieving.

"Definitely not Yoko," Subaru agreed.

The door opened and Aiba jumped, causing Nino to give his ribs a little kick. It was Jun, who strode in like he owned the building and headed straight for his stuff. "I'm not here, I'm not plotting, I have already bought a gift for Yokoyama-kun and that's all I'm doing."

"Matsujun," Nino said thoughtfully, "You should wrap the present."

Aiba drew in his breath with excitement.

"I have wrapped my own present already, I am done." Still, Jun lingered, not escaping right away.

"We're thinking silver wrapping paper," Nino said, smiling at Jun. "Maybe with some accents... we could leave the color choice to you."

Jun pulled the door open, and Subaru held his breath. "Fine. Give me the box two days in advance, tape it closed first, and if it blows up or surprises me in _any way_ , there will be dire repercussions."

Subaru shivered a little, but he could hear Aiba muffle a giggle under his hands. Jun exited with great dignity, spoiled somewhat by Sho trying to come in at the same time, though Sho paused to let Jun swoop away.

"Sho-kun," Nino said.

Sho hunched a little like he was trying to be invisible. "I just want coffee. I'll be out of your way in a second."

"Sho-kun should pick out Leader's clothes."

"I thought the point was for them to be as Ohno-kun-like as possible?" Subaru asked, confused. He let go of Nino's shirt and began smoothing out the wrinkles he'd made.

"Yes, but if he's too perfectly Ohno-kun-like, that will also make Yoko suspicious. Suspicious of the lack of suspicion, if you will."

Subaru swatted Nino on the forehead, though he didn't exactly disagree. Yoko had scarily good instincts about some things.

"Why would I pick out Satoshi-kun's clothes?" Sho sucked down one small paper cup's worth of coffee and refilled, not looking around at the trio on the couch.

"So he'll look Leader-esque, but also vaguely unattractive, somehow."

"Hey, wait a second--"

"Leader won't let Sho-kun come over to pick his clothes out and you know it, Nino," Aiba said, frowning down at Nino's smug face. "Stop teasing and start plotting, this is wasted effort."

"How will he contribute to the plan, then?" Nino asked, cutting his eyes at Sho mischievously. "It's like Sho-kun's not contributing to Leader's happiness."

Sho choked, waving his hands. "Aiba-chan, it's not like that, it's okay for me not to--"

Subaru watched, enjoying the show. Teasing Sho was almost as good as teasing Ryo, especially when Nino used Aiba's benevolence for evil.

"Give us something, Sho-chan," Aiba said, holding a hand out demandingly. "For the box."

"I... I don't have anything," Sho said weakly.

"Your socks," Subaru said abruptly and very loudly. He grinned wildly at Sho, feeling like Sho's cowardly escape earlier was now repaid.

Sho stared at Subaru, then knelt to remove his shoes. He came over a minute later with a sock in each hand.

"For Leader's happiness," he said, then shoved one sock in Aiba's face and the other in Nino's. "My only regret is I only have two socks." His eyes glinted evilly at Subaru as Aiba and Nino struggled, with Nino eventually falling off the couch in order to get away.

Sho dropped his socks in Subaru's vacated lap and walked away victorious.

"Wash your feet sometime!" Nino called as Sho closed the door on his way out, shoes dangling in one hand.

"Nino, that was weak," Subaru said reprovingly. He pulled Nino up by the shoulders, letting him settle back down with his head in Subaru's lap, Sho's socks thrown on the floor. Aiba was still sputtering.

"Let's finish this," Nino said, much less eager than before. Subaru patted him on the chest soothingly, though Nino didn't look at all soothed.

Aiba coughed as if to clear the sock from his throat, then dutifully picked up his notebook. "So what will our roles be?"

"I'll buy the tequila and give it to Yoko," Subaru said.

"Aiba-chan, you get the present from Matsujun and give it to Leader. Make sure he goes, okay? Beg if you have to."

Aiba nodded vehemently, then squinted at Nino. "And you, what will you do?"

"I'll prepare the present," Nino said airily. He looked so innocent that Subaru was deeply suspicious.

"What's to prepare, we'll put in Sho's socks and that's enough, Yokocho won't actually open the present, right?" Aiba said.

"Don't worry about it," Nino said, cuddling into Subaru's hip.

A knock on the door saved Nino from further questions, and when it turned out to be one of Arashi's managers, the plotting session came abruptly to an end.

*

"I don't understand why we're here."

"Aiba-chan, I told you, it's part of the plan," Nino said, unbuckling his seat-belt and wriggling into a comfortable position in Subaru's front passenger seat.

"No plan I had a hand in," Subaru said, turning the car off.

"Yoko canceled the party, and Leader should be on his way here right now. Isn't the plan done?" Aiba sounded disgruntled, probably because he'd lost the janken for shotgun.

"Yeah, I gave Yoko the tequila," Subaru said. "You should have seen his eyes light up. I got the biggest bottle of Corralejo I could find."

"Then our work here is done!" Nino said, then held up a hand before Subaru could get a protest in. "But our fun is just beginning. Look." He flourished his other hand, in which was a small remote control.

"... You didn't really put a bomb in the box, right, Nino?" Subaru asked.

Nino shook his head, then pushed a button dramatically. A scratchy sound filled the car, then a voice, clearly Ohno's, singing loudly.

"Butterfly," Aiba said, laughing. "He really likes that song. Nino, you didn't!"

"I did," Nino said, pleased with himself. "He must be really close, if it's already working."

As if he'd timed it, a car came up the street and parked in front of Yoko's apartment building. The three conspirators slouched in their seats, and Subaru felt very conspicuous. He could hear the other car turn off, though Ohno's voice still continued, like he was singing under his breath even though the song wasn't playing anymore. Then Subaru realized Ohno was in the backseat, which meant a manager was driving, which meant Ohno had been singing like that when he was certainly not alone. Subaru barked out a laugh, thinking he should really hang out with Ohno more often.

Ohno's small figure emerged from the car, then the car sped away. Ohno stood for a second and watched it go, holding an extremely flashy silver-wrapped box.

"Confident, isn't he?" Subaru asked. "Just sending the car away like that."

"Leader doesn't like making any of the managers wait," Aiba said. "He probably thinks he'll get a cab later."

They could hear Ohno walking up stairs, still humming Kimura Kaela, then both noises stopped.

"He must be at the door," Nino whispered, clearly drawn into the drama of spying despite there being no need for stealth.

The faint ring of Yoko's doorbell, a pause, and then the sound of a door opening.

_"Happy birthday."_

Subaru held his breath.

_"Why are you here? Didn't you get my text?"_

"It sounds like he's going inside!" Aiba had his head stuck right up between Subaru and Nino, hovering over the receiver.

"Shh," Nino said, laughing when Aiba just made a rude noise in return.

_"--Nino said that we still had to give you a present anyway since everyone had chipped in and I'm the only one who isn't working late."_

"How'd you get him to--" This time Subaru was the one to cut Nino off, gesticulating toward the receiver. This was the crucial moment!

_"Nino told you to give me this?"_

"So suspicious," Subaru breathed, giddy.

_"No way are you giving that--that ticking time-bomb to me. Just, just set it over there."_

"It's _working_ ," Aiba said, in the quietest cheer Subaru had ever heard.

"It all hinges on the tequila," Nino muttered. Subaru nodded, still intent on the scene unfolding in Yoko's entryway.

_"--anything to do with it, it might be. Well, you're here, you might as well celebrate with me."_

"Big success!" Subaru crowed.

"Or did we even need the tequila?" Nino said, a little put out.

_"Oh-chan, let me get you a shot-glass, this is too good for you to spill on the floor trying to drink from the bottle."_

"We are the champions of planning," Aiba said, sounding awed. "Romantic choices AHOY."

A small scuffle resulted when Nino questioned Aiba's use of "ahoy," but Subaru had his ear nearly pressed the receiver, catching snatches of Yoko yammering on about cucumbers, interspersed with Ohno's distracted requests for salt and limes. Yoko's chatter cut off abruptly after that in a high-pitched yelp.

Subaru looked up, confused, only to find Nino grinning down at him. "Leader really likes body shots."

_"Hold still, Kimi-kun."_

"Well, that about wraps it up!" Nino said.

"Spoilsport," Aiba said, but he reached forward to slap at the remote anyway.

"Don't do that!" Nino cried, cradling the remote protectively. "You could make it beep or something, you idiot."

_"I didn't eat any cucumbers today, Oh-chan."_

A profound silence reigned in the car after Yoko's stilted confession. Subaru unconsciously reached out to clutch at Nino's forearm.

"That is the worst pick-up line I have ever heard," Nino said finally.

"Do you think they're kissing? I bet they're kissing," Aiba said, bouncing.

Subaru was grinning at Nino, and Nino was beaming right back, face temporarily free of slyness.

"This has to be like a thousand friendship points," Aiba said, flopping back into his seat happily.

"As long as Yoko doesn't open the box," Nino agreed.

"Let's go to my place. I have a more reasonably-sized bottle of tequila we can use to celebrate a prank well done," Subaru said. Nino pushed a button on the remote and the feed from Yoko's apartment cut off abruptly, leaving only the sound of Aiba protesting that it wasn't a prank, it was _romance_.

*

Subaru woke to the sound of an annoying ding. Nino was struggling to his knees from where he'd passed out on Subaru's bedroom floor, somehow having rolled off the guest futon. He kneed Aiba in the ribs as he scrambled for his phone and muttered an apology as he flipped it open.

"'Happy birthday to me,'" he read, glee growing in his voice. "'Oh-chan was great.'" He held the phone out to Subaru so he could see the picture: a trucker hat that said 'I'D RATHER BE FISHING' and a half-empty bottle of tequila.

"He thinks he won," Subaru snickered, scratching his belly. He reached out a hand to pull Nino back down to the floor, letting him cuddle in together since it appeared Aiba had stolen the guest futon while Nino was asleep.

"Everybody won," Aiba said drowsily. "Let's go back to sleep."

* * * * *

(extra)

_From: Subaru  
To: Aiba-chan; Nino  
Re: big success  
Yoko didn't open the present. Sho-kun's never getting his socks back._

_From: Nino  
To: Aiba-chan; Subaru  
Re: my investment  
We need to steal that present back, that equipment didn't come cheap._

_From: Aiba  
To: Nino; Subaru  
Re: super spies  
Let's do it Saturday!_

_From: Subaru  
To: Aiba-chan; Nino  
Re: for our inevitable victory  
I'll go buy some more tequila._

_From: Nino  
To: Aiba-chan; Subaru  
Re: planning the victory celebration ahead of time  
I like it. Dibs on the guest futon._

_From: Aiba  
To: Nino  
Re: aha!  
Does that mean I get to snuggle with Subaru?_

_From: Nino  
To: Aiba-chan  
Re: ...  
Dibs on Subaru._


End file.
